13 Dec How did this relationship go from AMAZING to GHOSTING overnight?
“What did I do wrong? What did I say? How is it possible that we were flying high one moment, and the next, he disappeared?”
Has this ever happened to you? You feel like you are experiencing this amazing new connection—you can tell he’s really interested in you. You text throughout the day and talk every evening. Then out of the blue—he’s gone. What happened? You were sure he was “the one.”
There are so many reasons this can happen—too many to name. So let’s just look at a few of the most common reasons.
DISCLAIMER: It’s important to keep in mind, this has everything to do with the differences between males and females within the context of a new romantic relationship—it has NOTHING to do with your worth as a person. Remember that.
So, here are some common causes of the dreaded disappearing act:
- You are moving quicker than he is
- Intimacy entered into the equation before the relationship was ready for it
- Weaknesses in your communication style
Each of these scenarios can lead to a much deeper dialogue about human behavior, but I will share an abridged version here, designed to give you a glimpse into the key differences between the male and female mind.
Scenario #1 – You are moving quicker than he is.
Innately, a gentleman wants to control the direction of the relationship. He is the pursuer. If you try to define the relationship before he is feeling steady, it could drive him away. That does NOT mean you should wait around for months to see if he’s able to commit. Just be cautious about moving towards a commitment before the relationship has matured.
There should also be a tiny bit of playing hard to get.
Um…what? Did I just say that?!
Yup. Let me explain…
A man wants to be the pursuer. So let him pursue you and enjoy the journey! If you seem overeager, it puts a damper on the desire. Let me be crystal clear—you must have an authentic life of your own, right? If you are available any and every moment he wishes—what does that say? It says you have nothing going on in your own life, other than waiting around for his call or text. And it doesn’t paint you as the fascinating person you are.
I’m not saying to play games, or lie or mislead. What I am saying is to make sure you have a life that you actually enjoy—hobbies and interests that make you exciting to be around! Make sure you add value to the relationship. If you are bored with your own life, how you can you expect another person to find you intriguing? If you feel yourself becoming one-dimensional—agreeing with his every word and available for every date—my suggestion is to begin to build a life that is meaningful to you, outside of a relationship. A romantic partner cannot and SHOULD not be your single source of fulfillment.
Scenario #2 – Intimacy entered into the equation before the relationship was ready for it.
A common pitfall! I firmly believe intimacy should be reserved for marriage. Before you brush this off as an outdated idea, consider waiting until the relationship has a bulletproof commitment from both parties.
Let me explain.
Men and women approach intimacy in very different ways. Women are heart-centered. They seek affection, commitment, and protection. Men are hunters at heart, and crave respect. Although these are broad-stroke descriptions and can’t apply to EVERYONE, they are largely true.
If you introduce intimacy into the relationship before you are fully committed, the foundation will be unsteady. Why is that? Because it makes it more difficult to objectively gauge the health of the relationship. Sex creates oneness—an absolute bond. Once that bond is created, a woman will feel ready for commitment (whether she is or not) and expect the same thing from the male.
A man is different from his female counterpart—he is a natural hunter and pursuer. Although both parties are ultimately responsible, if a woman expects more from the relationship solely because an intimate connection was formed, but the man does not yet feel secure in the relationship, he will back away.
It’s an age-old, vicious cycle.
When a relationship is new, your focus should be on trying to determine the viability of the relationship. Can this relationship weather the storms? Do you have the same core values? Is there alignment towards a future? Have you spent enough quality time getting to know each other? Introducing intimacy will cloud your ability to OBJECTIVELY navigate the road ahead.
My encouragement is to WAIT until you can both say, “We are fully committed to each other.” If not, just be warned, you are opening the door for the GHOST to exit…
Scenario #3 – Weaknesses in your communication style.
Personally, I think communication should be a college course everyone has to take. But until that’s the case, let me share some points to ponder:
Emotional Intelligence – Do you ask enough curious questions about your partner? – If you talk mostly about yourself hoping to impress a new match, this could actually come off as uncaring and self-focused. Make sure to have balanced conversations, asking questions about him while also sharing details about yourself. As you discover more about your partner, try to identify if he’s open to going deeper into the conversation. Ask more meaningful questions, but be observant enough to know if he’s putting up a stop sign. Trust takes time to develop in order to feel safe sharing personal details. Make sure you have a sensible balance between sharing about yourself along with discovering the many facets of your new partner.
Do you talk from a place of insecurity or arrogance? – Do you always seem to be the victim, feeling sorry for yourself? Do you think or speak in a way that’s largely negative, pessimistic, accusatory, or domineering? Are you giving your opinions without being asked, or telling him what to do? This is toxic behavior. Try sharing a well thought out, educated opinion and invite him to share his thoughts on the topic. Confidence means sounding exciting, curious, and creative without sounding arrogant. Be cognizant of your conversation and what it says about you.
Are you wearing a mask? – If you don’t share your own opinions, it could be harmful to your new relationship. You are not adding any of your own excitement, intellect, or value to the relationship. If you are genuinely in agreement—great! You have something in common. But if you agree with him just to make him like you, he just may find his way to the nearest exit. Share your own ideas and create intrigue. Give him a reason to pursue you.
Do you compliment him too much? – Do you give authentic compliments at the right times? Or do you say nice things in such excess that it seems over the top and disingenuous? Only give authentic compliments, and only when they are truly warranted.
These are some of the common threads you’ll find in many “ghosting” scenarios. Can they be avoided or minimized? YES!
Review these scenarios again and ask yourself where you may need to be better equipped. How can you minimize your risk of getting ghosted and create longevity in your relationships? Be honest in your self assessment.
If you want more insight or resources on any of these topics, please contact us today for a FREE consultation. We can help you find your way from self-mastery—to soulmate.