18 Apr The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
When we go through a breakup—which we all do—what goes through your mind? Do you spend obsessive hours recalling moments together and wishing you could have them back? You are still convinced they were “the ONE!” And yet, they disappeared.
In some cases, they may have walked away without giving reason, leaving you frustrated, angry and powerless. Without closure, you can’t seem to move on, and devote way too much time wondering how they could have disrespected you like this.
On the other hand, perhaps this person was the type who continually told you how much they wished you could be together, but due to their job, location, children, ex-partner, stress (fill in the blank) they just can’t be dedicated to this relationship. And somehow, you are left to solve their problems. You spend hours a day figuring out how you can resolve things in way that leads to spending your “fantasy” life together.
Either scenario leaves you spending a tremendous amount of time reliving the past and giving this person way too much power that they don’t deserve.
May I share a bit of hard truth?
They both are stating the same exact thing—they don’t want to be with you. The reason doesn’t matter. What remains is the fact they were not willing to work on the relationship. They are merely utilizing two different types of strategies; one does a disappearing act, and the other wants to make sure they appear empathetic in the process.
I remember all too well meeting a gentleman who lived about two hours away from me. A few weeks after we met, he was suddenly not keen on having a relationship with that much distance between us. Conversely, I was willing to travel any distance to make it work, but he was not inclined to do the same. In truth, if he was head over heels in love with me, I am sure that two hours of driving would not have kept us apart.
So…let’s summarize! Why should you spend any additional time being held captive with these meaningless thoughts? If you want to give yourself time to reflect, make sure it is a productive time of introspection. Look to have gratitude for any of the good memories and be just as grateful to have learned from what may have gone wrong. A more valuable set of questions to consider is: “How well did your core values align with theirs?” “Did you spend enough time up-front having intentional dialogue to see if both your guiding principles merged well together?” More than likely, this is where the obstacles were rooted.
If this is the case, then it is much better to have walked away when you did, prior to any compromise settling in. This is why it is so important to have a deep understanding the nonnegotiable attributes you’re looking for when dating. When you have a strong vision for what you desire, then you can have intentional conversations with potential matches to see if there is unity between you before you become too emotionally involved.