Who is the villain? Your partner? Or you?

Every one of us makes decisions based on our own pain or pleasure.  Ultimately, you are always either running from pain or striving for pleasure. However, more people make decisions in an effort to avoid pain rather than to gain pleasure.  For example—maybe you want to lose weight, but it is fueled by the pain of how others perceive you, rather than the joy of feeling healthier.  Or maybe you stay up all night to preparing for a presentation—you are more likely to put the work in to avoid getting fired, rather than the pleasure of getting to show off your skills. 

Get the picture?

Simple but true, and a really interesting area of human behavior.  The fact of the matter is, if we all took the time to assess the potential benefits and consequences of our actions,  we’d be able to make better decisions in the moment. 

Let’s take a deeper look at this topic.

I read articles all the time by top relationship coaches that have headlines like “Text Her THIS to Win Her Back!”  Or “Discover What Your Man REALLY Desires.”  Or my personal favorite—“Living With A Narcissist.” While they might have some insightful content, this advice will NOT help you create stability or build a long-lasting relationship.

Instead of putting a catchy-sounding bandaid on your patterns of destructive behavior, take serious action steps to build a strong, loving relationship.

The first step is to stop passing blame and take responsibility for your own personal fulfillment. Look again at the headlines above.  Notice they are all focused on your partner—not yourself.  You must BECOME someone who YOU would want to have a relationship with.  

For most people, the initial litmus test is physical attraction. Not a bad thing, but it can’t sustain a relationship. From that point, there is very little framework for building this most important partnership. 

WHY NOT? Why not play it out in your mind’s eye to see what will happen if this goes bad?  What pain and destruction could it cause? When you’re dating someone new,  why not take every step possible to fireproof your courtship?

Take responsibly and “know thyself”—independent of a relationship. Who are you? What drives you? What are you most passionate about, and what are you doing to attain it? 

This is a critical piece of the journey.  If you don’t have a dream you are running after, or a purpose you are living for, you are putting your potential partner in the unenviable position of having to become your “savior”—the single source of fulfillment in your life. And that is NOT sustainable.

Next: what are your personal core values? These should be your decision-makers and guardrails for life. Identify them and make certain they are authentic, and you know how they show up in your everyday life.  For example, if you hold health and wellness as core values, but your potential partner does not, you need to figure out how this might affect your life. If you are of a certain faith or hold a specific ideology that you want your partner to share, you need to suss that out in the early conversations, and hold firm to your beliefs if they do not align. DON’T TRY TO CHANGE SOMEONE. This is vital to the longevity of your partnership. 

Next, you need to identify the nonnegotiable attributes you are searching for in a partner.  This is another critical step in creating a healthy, long-lasting relationship. These are the absolutes that you MUST have in your future spouse. These may be things like generosity, faith, humility, humor, or communication skills. You should be able to list at least 5 attributes that represent the pillars of your future mate’s character. When you meet someone new, ensure you have meaningful conversations—not an interview, but organic, genuine dialogue—mining for these characteristics. This list should NOT contain things like height or eye color (unless you REALLY want to minimize your chances of meeting someone.)

Lastly, look at your own toolbox. How well do you communicate? Do you speak confidently and concisely? Or do you tend to “stir the pot,” or otherwise behave in an immature or insecure manner? Can you effectively resolve conflict when it occurs? Do you ask curious questions, or do you insert your opinions unnecessarily? These elements of self-growth are the foundation for building a healthy relationship.

If you don’t yet possess these qualities, consider hiring a coach, or look to relevant books, videos, or podcasts in order to educate yourself. But most of all, STOP blaming your partners for the problems in your relationships. Instead, look in the mirror and ask yourself if YOU have taken the proper action steps to find a suitable partner. When you put in the inner work, you will attract the right person, and will not tolerate anything less. 

Set the bar from the first meeting. Don’t become a statistic. 

Don’t let another day go by without having the right framework in place.  Find the love you have been looking for—reserve a FREE consultation today to begin your journey to self-mastery. Book yours at calendly.com/gemrevealed 

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